Sat 7 Mar

Everybody Loves a Jewish Girl


I wouldn’t dream of wearing this T-shirt
in public, ever, not on the street
in my area. I’d be in fear

of getting smacked or at least challenged,
what with increasing political
problems in Israel. And I don’t want

to out myself with anything more
than my face. So this one’s under wraps.
No I don’t think everybody does

love a Jewish girl. Of course they should
because we eat lots, cook, get PhDs
and are supposed to be good in bed.

And we’re known for our GSOH.
Mrs Elswood is the King – no Queen
of pickle producers. The gherkin

manufacturer we all adore.
She makes them sliced, sweet, flavoured with dill.
Yes, everyone loves this Jewish girl.



Mrs Elswood has not married out.
Her whole Haimisha cucumbers are
grown in the fertile soils of Europe.

Give them a quick shake, all the mustard
seeds shimmy like nobody’s watching.
There’s a fresh harvest every year.

Mrs Elswood does not do gherkins.
Her cucumber spears are long and lithe:
a New York deli sandwich filler.

Being sliced and quartered angles the edge.
The jar weighs exactly 670 grams.
Parasols of dill float in spirit vinegar.

The flesh is coloured to E101.
Each segment is wedged in tight:
the heart exposed through the glass.